| 2 more days... |
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| May. 5th, 2008 |
09:34 pm | |
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I thought I missed my boyfriend stupidly before, and then he wasn't online anymore.
I'm not sure I'll be able to travel on my own ever again, I feel empty.
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| Lets call it prebirthday blues |
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| Dec. 15th, 2007 |
01:31 am | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap8.gif) destructive
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For the first time in a long time I want to genuinely hurt someone.
Phsysically, emotionally, the ways and means seem less important than the destruction.
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| Girl Crazies 'r' Us |
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| Oct. 20th, 2007 |
04:21 pm | |
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I said I'd never change for a partner, but this time it's worth it and I think "maybe, for him" but then that's how I ended up in trouble last time.
I'm not sure if I want space or if I want an apology. The part of me that knows I'm also at fault can die in a fire, I still want a hug and something shiney... but maybe after I'm not upset anymore.
Good things require maintenance, I just wish I had a care manual already laid out.
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| I'd call an Intervention but I still don't know who'd come |
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| Jun. 19th, 2007 |
03:30 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap140.gif) aggravated
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This is getting beyond a joke, and you seem oblivious to how much of your life you've destroyed. I don't know how to fix the problem and I'm worried you're going to destroy parts of my life too.
There are two ways this can go; complete destruction or self realisation... I have a horrible feeling we're going to see what choice in the very near future.
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| You are not as indispensible as you think. |
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| Jun. 15th, 2007 |
04:22 pm | |
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There's nothing quite like wasting my time to make me really really angry, if you don't need me to provide staff then don't ask for them and waste my time sourcing resources for you. If you want sympathy for your workload perhaps you should have actually used the staff I sent you. Not even contacting people is beyond rude, trading my good will on your fuck up? Beyond dangerous.
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| Let the punishment fit the crime. |
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| May. 8th, 2007 |
12:04 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap215.gif) anxious
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I don't understand what I'm doing wrong now.
I spend most of my life these days working so that other people can be happy, so that accomplishments I see no reward for are completed to the satisfaction of others, accomplishments I rarely asked for, wanted or even seemed to accept.
And yet I get to made feel like a mega witch all the time and I don't know why.
I'm sorry I needed a flatmate
I'm sorry you can't control your own workload
I'm sorry I was lonely and you introduced him to me
I'm sorry you chose the wrong promoter
I'm sorry my company sent me here
I didn't make any of these choices, so why am I suffering for them?
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| Don't. Ever. Stop. |
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| Mar. 24th, 2007 |
02:46 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap60.gif) loved
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| And he fell into my life like a gift. |
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| Mar. 19th, 2007 |
01:53 am | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap55.gif) hopeful
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It is an unhappy circumstance that means that politeness stops me from sharing change in my life by my usual means of online banter. I did not fight to steal something that was not mine to take, but seem to have offended the other treasure seekers nonetheless, and so must put public opinion over my own feelings, again.
On the other hand it seems entirely bizarre to have had such a turn around in such a time. Never in all my life has something felt so right, so clear, so fitting and so returned. Despite the short time things seem to have been done the correct way around, with discussion and emotion and feeling taking precedence over lust, to find myself of all people wanting to commit before I had even seen them naked.
I keep looking for the flaw, the problem, the issue that will fundamentally destroy a chance, it seems too easy, too good, too short a time since I asked why I had to work so hard for so little, that this time I have had to do so little to be given such a prize.
It seems so out of character, so bizarre, so induced and giddy to feel like this that I don't trust it; but find myself shocked to see that exact sentiment reflected by his own face. The questions I've asked myself, he says, the things I have looked for, he is and finds in me.
Please let it be real.
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| Of that rare state of Singledom. |
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| Mar. 11th, 2007 |
06:20 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap180.gif) lonely
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I can't work out if I'm actively sabotaging myself, attracted only to the unavailable, the foreign and the emotionally detached. I apparently terrify people enough that those who are actively interested in me are too scared to let me know and I appear to have lost the ability to discern who is on my own.
In the meantime I am reminded of just how desireable the taboo is, friends and exes sharing flirtations and looks that can never be followed through; an addictive drug that makes the lesser innebriants of the possible seem pale and wan.
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| New year, new you |
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| Jan. 8th, 2007 |
12:15 pm | |
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You seem capable of having either success and power or happiness. Last year was about success, you need to decide what you want for this year.
You need to stop being lonely though, it is not helping.
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| What. The. Fuck. |
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| Oct. 25th, 2006 |
12:26 am | |
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I deserve better than this.
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| You are not a unique and beautiful snowflake |
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| Sep. 25th, 2006 |
11:08 pm | |
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And apparently you have no idea how many people have told me exactly the same thing *yawn* I love it when people make themselves appear to be everything they spend half their lives trying to distance themselves from. In the end we all end up like our parents anyway.
In these moments no one listens to me anyway, I get too emotive and it's a lot easier to tell me I'm being a bitch or illogical than believe that logic and emotion don't have to be divorced. Consequently I'll instead quote Ze Frank
"It seems like the best thing that you can do is just keep moving forward. Make a choice, and stick with it. Don't keep the other catalogues around after you buy that car. And toss the receipt on those pair of shoes. In the long run, it'll work out."
But then I'll ask... if you really don't give a toss what other people think how come they rile you so much?
I have so many better things to be doing right now, I'm not sure why I give a toss, but at least I'm not going to be so full of self delusion as to tell people I don't.
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| In the month of madness |
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| Aug. 29th, 2006 |
03:30 pm | |
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
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| Can't get enough, I'm out of luck |
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| Aug. 27th, 2006 |
07:39 pm | |
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Surely this should be a lot easier than this? Why am I always looking for validation from others, they always seem to screw it up.
And now I seem to have lost the game, again, and I can't work out why?
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| Black Eyes Full of Stars |
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| Jun. 19th, 2006 |
02:33 am | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap84.gif) Questioning
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Well that changes things somewhat.
Left cynical and bitter by previous experience I am unwilling to let myself be too optimistic, despite the positive influence of such a turn of events. Will it slip away, find a path or be another reminder that contentment is constantly held just out of reach?
I have returned home not to problems for which a solution must be found and enacted but instead opportunities which require significant work to take advantage of, and I'm not sure which would be easier. At least the anxiety related to potential failure in relation to obstacles is motivating, unknown potentia is a harder goal to work towards when the fuel is still dampened by doubt and fear of the unknown.
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| Because I'm not really homesick anymore I just wish I had this all here |
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| May. 21st, 2006 |
08:59 pm | |
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It's interesting the things that make home feel so very far away.
I miss Vicki and calling her for no reason, driving around smoking too much and giggling at everyone, just knowing that even though we'd only known each other a short time that we'd always have a place for each other and sharing rights even if no one else got them. It's amazing to me that I love someone as much as I love her without it having ever been a sexual thing.
I miss not having to say anything to Simon and just have him hug me when I need it, I miss screaming obscenities at him that no one believed I meant... I miss him being simultaneously the nicest and most evil person I know. I hate that he couldn't tell me he was going away.
I miss being able to roll my eyes, order a pint and cuddle up to Matt. Even when we disappear out of each other's lives for months at a time it never feels like that when we're back together. I miss giggling with Jahn and dancing in unison, just knowing that other people wondered how we did it and then laughing at other people trying to copy it. I miss that grand old smile I get whenever he rings because it doesn't matter whether we see each other often, or where we live... when we're together it's fun and communal and just so right.
I miss the sense of community of my old house, even with its cleaning horror and fights over stupidity... I miss cuddling under a doona watching cartoons, sharing oreos and drugs and just feeling at home.
I miss that total sense of belonging, sitting on a side walk on Brunswick St while a hundred goths, ravers, mediaevalists, actors, corporates, hippies and everything in between wave, chat and giggle with me on their merry adventures on a Friday night.
I miss collapsing on the stairs at Slimelight, grinning with Richard and giggling with Reagan. I miss 8am crawls off the couch in search of more substances in any of 20 houses around the world.
It's funny... I feel like my own person again, but I miss the moments I share. You all mean so much to me, I have so many fond memories... here's hoping for more.
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| The sleep upon him was deep and he heard not her curses and her wrath |
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| Apr. 26th, 2006 |
01:16 am | |
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Why awaken what you had let lie?
Because it will not dream nor sleep peacefully.
Capable does not mean confident, able does not mean wise.
Tread lightly little one and remember always the names.
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| A question asked repeatedly. |
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| Apr. 20th, 2006 |
01:04 pm | |
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Do I actively seek to make things difficult for myself? I like a challenge, and often throw myself caution to the wind just to see what will happen and to try and make the most of life.
Having realised I don't have time to devote to a partner in a way that I feel happy with I instead seem to have quickly filled my life with a number of relationships (not necessarily intimate); the sum of attributes of which account for the entirety of what I like in a partnership. So what am I left with? Numerous people who all appreciate me in one way and leave me feeling devalued in others... I wonder when that will stop being enough.
In the meantime I feel stretched thin once more and I know that the time leading up to my trip is going to be unpleasant in a way that I'm hoping won't strip my vacation of its fun. I look forward to when I come back, I'm settling in enough not to feel though this is home but to feel that it could become one, and with more time and money to devote to things of importance my life should settle back into place.
3 weeks away might give me time to think about my love life and what's important, what I want and who I think will be able to give it. But then I imagine I'll come back as confused as ever.
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| Another month another drama. |
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| Mar. 26th, 2006 |
11:04 pm | |
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Abstinence denotes denial of what is available, if what you want is no longer a choice is removal from the diet anything but admitting the truth of supply?
In losing something I've always wanted, I fear I have also taken that which I don't actually want and now to discover or dispose.
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| When other people ask the right questions things become far clearer to oneself. |
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| Feb. 19th, 2006 |
10:47 am | |
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Which is why the last couple of days have given me grim acquiesence to what I suspected was true for some time. So now all I can do is get used to this dull ache.
When you get the same response 99 times, you tend to expect the 100th to be the same. I had learnt, maybe foolishly, to rely on the support and rescue you have always provided which is why it is confusing and hurtful to find it gone.
It is very difficult for me to do certain things for myself. While I have devoted some time to assuring myself that I am strong enough to be able to do them, I have learnt time and again that achieving these feats only teaches me how much I dislike them.
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