| It's hard to type through tears |
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| Feb. 14th, 2006 |
01:02 pm | |
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Is it unfair of me to be this way? Probably. Do I know how to act any other? No. Do I hate being right about this? Yes. It wouldn't feel so gut wrenching if someone would just let me be right, who didn't tell me I was being stupid for knowing what will happen... I'm not stupid, I'm not wrong, why make what is already hard so much worse?
I feel like a part of me is missing, I hate it and I want it back, but it's no longer mine to take.
In the past I've felt more hurt, but now I feel more upset than I ever have before, more desolate and bleak, less able to see a future that is good.
I miss you, I love you, I hate this, how do I make it stop?
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| Bring on St. Harlequin's |
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| Feb. 13th, 2006 |
10:35 pm | |
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Nothing to make you feel lonely like knowing others have the person you want, like a Valentine's with no love for the first time since you were a child.
I feel dead inside.
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| Quid pro quo |
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| Feb. 8th, 2006 |
02:20 pm | |
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And then everyone moved on without me but I was left in a sea of shallow friendships and acquaintances.
I feel miserable. Will I get through this or have I made a mistake?
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| However much I'm falling down... |
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| Dec. 22nd, 2005 |
04:44 pm | |
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It's never enough.
At a time when someone else has the Christmas that should have been mine...
Someone else has the heart that I was told was mine...
And someone chooses to throw away a sentiment I was glad to make mine...
I ask again why aren't I ever enough to be happy?
I am told time and again that I'm funny, pretty, interesting, unique, amusing, a great person, great friend, great lover, great girlfriend, great ex, great everything...
Just not enough.
Not enough to take the risk
Not enough to hold your hand
Not enough to be another
Better, greater, more interesting, better for your, better fun, great company...
Just not enough.
I hate that I let people do this to me. Apparently I'm not good enough at this either.
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| I am woman hear me roar, I am easy to ignore :( |
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| Nov. 14th, 2005 |
09:58 am | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap140.gif) aggravated
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I am not your maid, mother, surrogate landlord, drug dealer, tobacco shop, video shop, message service, whore or advice column.
Jesus it would be nice to have time with my friends where I don't feel like they want something out of me.
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| Revelations for a Weekend Away |
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| Oct. 17th, 2005 |
12:38 am | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap103.gif) contemplative
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Some are confirmations rather than initial revelations but nonetheless:
- My lifestyle is a lot harder to pull off than it looks, you are better off being yourself and being good at it than trying to be me and doing it badly.
- Admitting your character flaws is not the same thing as excusing them.
- I have become accustomed to being obeyed.
- Certain scene archetypes have Cred-Dar; this does not appear to fail across multiple readings. Like Gay-dar it is almost impossible to alter your initial readout.
- For an extravert I am massively lacking in self confidence.
- I am frequently afraid of what people have heard about me before introduction, no matter how long this has been a trend towards positive rather than negative feedback.
- I will not suffer fools, however I will give credence to those who have value for a given input regardless of how few people encounter those scenarios.
- I like my men to have a default level of broken, I like my women to have a default level of cleavage.
- I have made the right decision, with conviction, now it must be enacted.
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| At least I can walk away |
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| Sep. 24th, 2005 |
02:27 am | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap132.gif) depressed
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But I still want to give up and give in, and I can't watch it happen no matter how much I understand that it must.
I feel like the world keeps telling me I'm not good enough to be happy.
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| Well it's a start... |
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| Sep. 21st, 2005 |
08:42 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap40.gif) unfulfilled
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I'm not head crazy but it still makes me a bit sad. p00t.
Things definately feel unfulfilling right now, like things are okay but it's just not enough anymore.
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| When Team Evil lay down its arms |
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| Sep. 19th, 2005 |
12:41 pm | |
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Current Mood:
depressed
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This time last year and I had Moogle to turn to, and that made it bearable. This year and... well I don't have the same kind of support.
Today would have been our 8th anniversary... A lot of me wishes that it still was. I've come a long way on my own, there've been setbacks and horrors and so many vodka sodden moments, but at the same time there's been huge developments in career, friends, self... I don't want to take all that back but at the same time I wish it hadn't come at a sacrifice.
I miss feeling like I had an equal, a partner, a fellow soldier in life... one who if not understood the varied parts of me, the dark and horrible places, the light and girlish ones then at least accepted them as part of what made me me. I miss having someone who was just as obsessed with me as I was with them, even if they couldn't express it. I miss having my partner be my best party buddy, who could always be counted on for a romp and a club or a party and a drink. I miss feeling like anywhere we were together was comfortable and homely. I miss not having to explain everything, to have someone who just knows.
Maybe I'll find that again, I don't know how it seems pure chance I found it once. Why can't I just be happy with what I do get?
I miss you Mason, no one else seems to compare.
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| Realisations of self |
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| Sep. 6th, 2005 |
10:23 am | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap23.gif) cold
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And now I'm beginning to worry, several days away and I didn't miss you. I'm glad you're around when you are, sweet and warm and flattering... but I've only been served a reminder that you're not a partner in the truest sense of the word. I think I'm going to have much less of a problem with leaving than you are, and I didn't think that was going to be so.
"You're really fucking weird sometimes"
"Yeah well you're too fucking normal you know that?"
I think I need my own kind.
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| This Govt. denies all knowledge |
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| Aug. 9th, 2005 |
09:39 am | |
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Er... right... okay... well... *blink blink* I have to stop expecting you to be Darian, I forget you tend to do the right thing. I guess everything's okay then, hurrah.
Oh and Andy? You're a romantic moron and I think you're making a big mistake, just don't make me hate you.
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| Round the Merry Go Round |
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| Aug. 7th, 2005 |
01:21 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap141.gif) irritated
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Ooft that's almost a deal breaker. I'm not playing these games again, I'm just not interested. This is my impressed face, there better be some positive response in the next few days or I'm opting out of this competition.
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| Never happy with being content... |
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| Jul. 31st, 2005 |
10:42 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap116.gif) discontent
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So for once in my life nothing is majorly wrong. Despite continuing family trouble which I've put asside before in my life and seem to be doing now without issue, there are no major problems. Work is continuing well, house has settled into a pleasant routine, lovelife is pleasant if not entirely concrete... and yet I'm still not happy.
Theories have been presented to me; that I'm not happy without a stable partner to rely on, that I've become so used to the adrenaline rush of stress that without something appears missing, that as a striver I'll never be content without challenging goals... I'm unsure what it is and I wish I did.
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| And another chapter closes |
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| Jul. 4th, 2005 |
03:29 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap17.gif) Regretful
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So it seems things are over with Andy and I, I can't afford the heartbreak of several more months waiting around with no idea what's going on just in case there's a chance. This was never meant to be easy and I couldn't be less surprised that it hasn't worked out but it is a damn shame.
I've been around this merry go round enough times to have conviction where it is necessary, to know when I consider a battle worth fighting for. This was one I wanted to win, but when the heart of the enemy isn't in the fight there's nothing but a slaughter. I did love that boy, and while he seems to love me back.. sometimes that's not enough, and if it's not enough of a catalyst to try then there's little I can do.
All there is to do now is to get on with my life and hope that one day I'll find a less turgid love life again... but I think for once I'm just going make decisions *for me* not for someone else or some intangible goal that I'm unsure of.
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| My home is my haven, but it's always messed up |
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| Jun. 30th, 2005 |
08:34 pm | |
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Current Mood:
annoyed
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How am I being made to feel like the bad guy, when you're the one who makes no effort and shows no respect?
If you want to be treated like an adult then you have to act like one, and right now you're being nothing but childish.
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| The difference between what you want and what you need |
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| Jun. 22nd, 2005 |
11:21 am | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap154.gif) groggy
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I don't need a "real" boyfriend, I don't need someone I can shag stupid every 5 seconds, I need someone to spend time with, a good friend. That said it would also be nice if more people around me understood that, or for that matter understood that I'm not the only one with issues in this situation and despite reputation I'm not someone willing to push another out of their comfort zone, particularly when that person is a friend that I care for and would like to see happy and stable.
The funny thing is that I'm doing okay, if I don't push, I'm not rejected, and if I'm not rejected I'm not reminded what I'm missing and I get to enjoy what's actually there.
"The Real Things hurt too much" ... It's lucky we're not interested in something more than we have because it'd be perverted the amount we hold each other to cry over other people otherwise.
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| Nae bother? Aye bothered. |
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| Jun. 5th, 2005 |
01:15 am | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap102.gif) disappointed
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Which probably isn't fair. But fuck it... The only person who should get to hurt is the only person who won't.
Revenge is a horrible thing to want, and I hate being reminded those parts of my brain exist... I was doing well in igoring them.
1 step forward 2 steps back
Why does it often feel like I have to put so much more effort in than others... self pity or just life being a bitch?
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| A dichotomy of sorts |
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| May. 29th, 2005 |
02:40 pm | |
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Current Mood:
disappointed
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People I'm involved with frequently tell me one of the things that makes me most attractive is my intelligence... yet they act surprised when it is used against them.
You have to learn mistakes for yourself, but I can't see this going well. It's a pity, but nae bother, I'll be here when it all goes badly.
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| Brief flash of attention whoring |
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| May. 21st, 2005 |
01:15 pm | |
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Current Mood:
crushed
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I live on reflected glory, I don't often like to admit it but I guess to many it's obvious. When you don't like yourself very much you need others to tell you you're a worthwhile human being. Without accomplishments to be proud of of late I can't support my own self esteem enough and other sources are lacking.
I miss feeling safe, I miss feeling loved, and I miss a calm home in the cold.
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| Eye of the Maelstrom |
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| May. 4th, 2005 |
01:52 pm | |
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Current Mood:
![[mood icon]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/mood/charitycam/jap-heads/jap84.gif) confused
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It's been a long time but I definately seem to be back in a state of pure chaos. Unsure where things are going in the near future, at the moment I'm just enjoying the view and watching the ride. Catch me if I fall... if I fall it will be hard.
Lady Luck appears to be on my side... it's been a while since I heard her call. Now here's hoping she'll give me some big wins and not just the small pleasures.
Had a few moments of clarity in the madness, enough to make me realise that I'm not taking enough care of others while I can't take care of myself. Nothing like having someone look at you and say "Yeah I get how you could be tragically in love with someone like that" to make you realise how little you've regarded their take on your constant brain to mouth feed.
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